Coming out of darkness

I have been in two minds about posting this.

Well 4 months of build-up actually.

Awareness around mental health has come along but even still. There is the possibility/probability that I will lose clients over posting this, with the fear of being unreliable, or incapable.

This journey is not one that I would wish on anyone.

But now, now that I am through it and can see the proverbial light. I feel like I can share it with no recourse. It may in fact offer some, some explanation.

I have had numerous conversations with people. Many said I shouldn’t post it. But fugg it, I feel drawn, I feel that if 1 person going through the same thing & connects, it’s worth it. If it opens the conversation with a mate, wife, dad, or kid, it’s worth it.

18 months ago, I moved to the Gold Coast, within 5 mths I separated & since divorced my wife of 8 years & my mum (& best friend) past way. But honestly, I had been depressed for 10 years before this, I won’t go into why as I don’t think there enough characters here to fit it anyway. But this tipped me over.

However, this night, 4 months ago was a night that I saw/felt a glimmer of hope, I felt like I wanted to create. A rare yet extremely exciting moment for me.

Depression is a constant fight w/ your mind & body. Your body aches, your nervous system burns, exhaustion takes over, some days you feel great, w/ a clear head. But your body refuses to move. Sending your mind into reprieve. Other days are the opposite. Body over mind. Mind over body.

But no one can see it. In fact. It’s the complete opposite. It’s the best I have looked. Because working out was the only thing that gave me solace.

The feeling of loneliness for me was debilitating. With the collision of desperateness to connect but the worthlessness of self.

As they say those that are hurt, hurt. And no amount of gym work outs could make me want to hurt the way that I wanted to hurt myself. I am amazed for the ones that I met a year ago I can still call them friends today.

But there were nights.

Where all I felt like I could do was hold yourself…

The power in this. Is that one day – with A LOT of work.

You will cry. But for happiness.

Because you made it through! I just, clicks. All this work. Worked.

I wouldn’t change this journey for anything, as it’s made me stronger.